My Mom Stole My Identity
- Train Wreck Tuesday
- Our Train Wreck series features stories of financial woe submitted anonymously by our readers. Submit your own story, and if selected, you'll win a Mint t-shirt!
My situation may be different from most. I suspect others will talk about debt and credit cards, but my financial planning wreck should be talked about too, because it’s very important. I’m now 28, and my financial troubles lasted six years.
When I was 19 I went away to college (not too far away). Of course as we all know, credit card companies stalk you so you can begin your journey of credit card debt. I started school in August and by December I had about six credit cards.
To make a long story short, my mother thought it was best for me to send my credit cards home. She thought that as I was about three hours away from home, having so many would make me use credit cards irresponsibly and spend them on friends and other nonsense. After listening to my mother, I sent my credit cards home and thought no more about it.
Let’s fast forward a bit.
When I went home on breaks and holidays I noticed my mother using a credit card. I knew she didn’t have one but at the same time it didn’t matter to me. I never thought for a second she was using my credit card — 6 years ago, identity theft wasn’t anything I’d heard about.
Not long after, I left my mother’s home and moved in with a friend. About 8 months later I started to receive phone calls and bills from collectors. Apparently while I was staying on campus, the credit card companies were sending my bills home; and I can only assume that my mother threw them out. (Later I learned that she had made some monthly payments on them).
Scared out of my pants, I called my mother. She basically told me three lines: “You’re young, this will be fixed in 7 years;” “Nothing is going to happen;” or “I will help you pay.”
I was the type to always respect my mother, and so I did just that. I never even considered going to the police, because I never thought it was an option. So when I did receive the bills, it was already too late to schedule payments because they were already well into collections. Back in 1998, at age 19, I was telling myself not to worry. Since I was in school and didn’t spend the money, I thought, the problem would erase itself. But we all know that wasn’t the case.
Crazy thing was, back in the late 90’s I watched a slew of older friends and family members disregard bills, not pay, and still get more credit cards. They would get repossessions but were still able to get cars. As a result, I just believed my mother: this would go away.
When I did finally decide to tell the collection people of my problem, though, of course they didn’t want to hear me. They wanted their money. Being young and scared of my mother, I did nothing but continue to ignore the bills.
Fast-forward again.
Two years into this I was scared to ask my mother to pay. Of course others around me had opinions, but I was raised to respect my mother to the fullest and so I never did anything but mention it to her in passing. I never truly addressed the issue.
For the next 4 years I had to learn the hard way. When I applied for credit cards, I didn’t get anything. When it was time to get an apartment, I couldn’t get anything.
As I matured and realized that I couldn’t live like this, and with only one way to prove that I was serious (in the eyes of the judge), I filed a police report and sued my mother. It was the hardest family and financial decision that I’ve had to make. I suffered a long and hard ordeal. I lost many of nights of sleep and buckets of tears because of the turmoil, and I had a hard time convincing judges and lawyers. At times I felt they treated me like I was the criminal.
In the end I had a great lawyer that dealt with a lot of the major credit card companies on my behalf, and I won a modest amount of money. Don’t get me wrong: The result wasn’t easy, and I would give all that money won back to have my identity when I was younger. The process has had its drawbacks on my personality, as well: I’ve become very fanatic about money, pay every bill before it is due, and am very scared of debt (even good debt).
I guess the moral of the story is that identity theft isn’t necessarily from strangers — it can be your very own blood.
Mint’s Take Away:
Identity theft is never an easy issue to deal with and can especially be more difficult when the perpetrator is someone you know.
According to the FTC, about 9 percent of all identity theft are committed by family member or relative. That means that 1 out of 11 cases of identity theft is an inside-the-family job.
Here are some resources for those facing the same situation as the story submitter above:
Train Wreck Tuesdays are a weekly post of horrible financial mistakes. They are posted anonymously. Submit your story; if you’re selected, you get a free personal finance book. The best comment gets the same prize!
This is a powerful story. Sadly, research says most of fraud is actually not committed online, but offline. According to Javelin Research, only 1 in 10 cases of identity theft and fraud result from computer breaches and hackers.
90% of fraud happens offline through stolen financial statements, bank employees, or - too often - family and friends.
By the way, this is one reason Mint never asks for you name, address, or SSN. When you login to Mint, you’re anonymous. In many ways that’s safer than a bank - they have your SSN, mother’s maiden name, and in the name of customer service allow employees access to your account and transactions unencrypted.
Read more:
Analyst: Online ID fraud is hyped; real problem is off-line: One in 25 Americans were affected by all forms of ID fraud last year
How could you sue your mother?
Sucks that she did that, but why destroy a family relationship over money? Sure, she never should have done that. But, there’s no reason to break up a family– not money, not fights, nothing.
Why not just deal with it, and rebuild your credit, just as you would have had you spent the money yourself?
In response to: “How could you sue your mother?”
Every adult should be responsible for their own finances - and that includes your mother. You should never, ever sacrifice your financial future and happiness for someone else - even if that means confronting a family member.
People have to learn from their mistakes. Leaving emergencies aside, if your mother runs up credit card debt, or your (adult) children grossly mis-manage their money, it’s their mess to fix - not yours.
you did the right thing to sue your mother. She ran up the debt and she is responsible for it. It takes a lot of courage to a family member. I hope things are looking up for you now.
anonymous: I’ll have to agree with Aaron and Louise in that the story submitter made the difficult but correct decision. Many times the repercussion from identity theft is long lasting — rebuilding credit is a very difficult and long process! This isn’t just about money, but the submitters very future too. What happens if they have trouble obtaining a job due to the credit history?
To get a different perspective, imagine asking this to the mother: How can you hurt your own child’s future?
I’m sure there are many different cases, and I can understand how family is important. I would personally take a lot of damage before I cut ties or damage the relationship with any family member (especially my own mother). But there is definitely a point for me too where I’ll resort to difficult decisions.
I’m sure had this simply been just one credit card or a few late payments, the issue wouldn’t resort to court. From the way the story was written, it seemed like it was a choice not taken lightly.
The financial and time cost is very real, and it’s unfortunate that the emotional cost is even higher.
For other stories like the one above, there is also a very good article from 60 Minutes on this very topic.
WOW!! this is a terrifying story to have had fraud committed by a love one… heck by your own mother!
It sounds like your family members are comfortable with maintaining debt…? its a way of life for them. This is worrisome.
I wonder, how is your relationship with your mother now?
Yeah, let my mom use my card once. She saved the number and used it to buy a toaster oven. I reported the card stolen so I could get a new number. I didn’t turn her in, but I no longer do anything involving money with my mom.
I will tell my mother to pay these bills or I will press charges. She ruin your future. And also put a fraud alert of your credit report.
It’s sad but mothers all around the US do this. Only because they do not have the money to do things by themselves.
I have seen mothers put the phone bill and everything else in their child’s name.
Save for your child education instead of ruining their credit.!!!!
Hi,
Name and anyone else that may want to know a answer as to why I sued my mother.
My life is an open books and I don’t mind sharing it.
Problem is I love my mother dearly and that reflected for many years. However, my mother and my relationship has be compromised ever since she started using drugs. I was the one always there for her and took the abuse. So it was very hard for me. Which is why it took me 7 years to do what I had to do.
Actually I didn’t sue my mother. The lawyer sued the companies that issued the credit cards. I had always disputed the charges with these companies but they always ignored me. And as I got older I would try to reach out to lawyers/collection agencies and they basically ignored me because the case was too complex.
So I found a very good lawyer in Pennsylvania that took the case for me. And I always told him I wasn’t looking for money but my freedom.
Yes, some may ask why didn’t I just rebuild my credit history?
Well, for 6 years I tried that. I thought from the age of 19-25 they would have either written it off or gotten erased. But I actually had lawyers that were suing me.
Initially when I first received the letters or summons, I took them for a joke because like I said, in the past I have watched many friends get over by not paying bills and still being able to get credit.
I even had one lawyer take my money. YES! They will take your money. They had an levy on my bank account. And I would get letters from court marshals. It was serious.
During that time my mother still thought I was over reacting.
On top of that, I had my own twin sister commit identity theft to me…it was like the remix of what my mother did to me. My mother was getting me for credit cards and my twin was getting me for utilities (cell phones, house bills, direct-tv etc).
The bad part is that my sister knew about my struggles with my mother and she still did it to me…and this was very recent 2003-2006. So I hope I’ve addressed some questions.
Oh my god - the same thing happened to my younger sister. Our mother got credit cards out in her name right after she started college without her knowing about it for about 8 or 9 months. When she found out she was devastated - mom promised to pay for her tuition the following semester to pay her back and make it up to her.
She got a phone call about 2 months into the winter semester from the Dean saying they still hadn’t received her tuition payment. She had to drop out and get a full time job. Our mother has tried to scam all 4 of us kids out of money at some point in our lives… I cut off any and all communication with her more than 8 years ago.
I wish you the best and hope you can look forward to better things. God Bless…
[...] - Tuesday Train Wreck - My Mom Stole My Identity. This is a difficult article to read, and even more so to write. The author had her identity stolen [...]
This is astonishing. It’s really an American thing. I had not a credit card when I was a student. I’m italian, now I’m forty y.o. I’m rather well-off even for American standards (nothing to brag about, a good part of my money is inherited) but I’ve only ONE credit card, and I don’t use it to finance me. I use it because it’s the only way to shop online. And beside me, never heard of such a situation among my acquaintances here…
I just wanted to say what’s already been said: you were right to sue your mother, and you should feel no guilt about it whatsoever.
I worked with someone who had the same thing happen to her. Both her parents started getting credit cards and opening accounts in her name as soon as they were able to, without her realizing it. By the time she moved out and became independent, her credit was completely ruined. I don’t know if she ever took her parents to court over it, but I know that her credit is still terrible, and she has never had a credit card or bank account of her own. She is married, and everything financial has to be done through her husband’s accounts. She has no relationship with her parents because of this. It’s really sad when money is more important to someone than their child’s trust.
You definitely did the right thing. I’ve never heard of people having this problem, but judging from the comments here you’re not alone!
I got a call from a bill collector a few months ago about a credit card debt. Two years ago, I knew my mom used my name to buy stuff and she promised to help me pay. Everytime I talk to her about it, she denies it or tells me to forget about it.
We moved out from out home and rented at my aunty’s place. The new owner of my old home came over and handed us a whole bag load of letters. I got a lot of bills dealing with electric, cable, internet, and water. I didn’t know that she used my name to pay utilities. This is so devastating to me. A few of my friends know about it and they can’t believe my mom did this to me.
I’m currently in college and I’m working part time just to pay off the debt that isn’t mine. I’m just worried when I have to pay for school after I graduate. All of my paycheck goes to the bills; there’s never money in my own pocket.
I don’t want to turn her in. I know it’s supposed to be her fixing this, but I don’t like the thought of my younger siblings thinking of me as a bad role model.
I know I can pay it all by myself, but there wouldn’t be any money to buy stuff I need…
Well, who knows if “im scared” will ever check back to see if someone replied to her comment but I will try.
This is never an easy situation and I realized (even holding a degree in psychology) the best way to fix any problem is to just deal with it.
Of course it’s always easier said than done but it will always work. It is hard doing anything that would violate the mother/daughter relationship and that is why it took me 6-7 years to get the guts to do what I did. So, don’t beat your self up.
If turning your mother in really bothers, you perhapas you can talk to her, write her a demand letter or simply disupte the items.
I have learned that majority of companies won’t even bother going after a person if the balance isn’t alot. In my case, none of the creditors went after my mother and we are talking about major companies (sears, discover, mastercard,).
Also, check the statue of limitations to see how old these accounts are.
In the end, if you feel like you just can’t do any of the above try working about a settlement for each creditor. Most collection agencies are like rats and roaches…they will take anything you have to offer.
best of luck.
My sister is the one who stole my identity. She was my best friend and sole mate. How she was able to do this for 3 years and lie to me is a mistery. Since she claims she loves me.
She had taken out 2 loans and 5 credit cards in my name. She got away with it cause i’ve lived out of the country during those 3 years so she was able to say her address was mine without dispute. And I came home with my new husband to this mess.
I paid off the big loan and got the credit card companys to transfer out the cards from my name or i’ll sue them. I should have turned her in but she’s got these 3 wonderful kids. I’m sure she know that she would eventually get cause and I would take the rap cause i care about her kids. She knew what she was doing.
I feel like i’ll forever be in a head f**ck over this. How could the closet person in my life do this to me? How could she take out a loan for a computer in my name then ask me to help her pick one out? That’s really cold. How could she greet my new husband at the airport while spending money on my card trying to destroy our credit. What a lying bitch!!! I f**cking loved her. Now I morn her death cause shes dead to me. Never will anyone ever betray me like that. Especially someone so close to my heart. I would have given her a kidney without question. I’ve know her all my life.
She lies about paying me back, she never bloody will. She lies about everything. Am I blind??? How did I not see who this women is?
I’ll never get over this. My hate will constantly consume me. My credit score will always refect this as well as my lowered bank balance.
In the pre-identity theft days, my father did it the old-fashioned way: he co-signed loans for me, but assumed the proceeds. Was not a problem, really, until he went bankrupt and left the country…
On another site, I posted a more bitter story:
The son of my grandmother’s late husband A)pried money from the dead man’s hand and B)immediately ran to the bank and forged a check for $12,000 (which, rumor has it, he snorted).
Imagine: stealing money from an old lady, your father’s wife (to whom he had been married for more than 20 years!).
And my grandmother refused to press charges.
To Jennifer,
Thats a really hard situation to deal with. If I were you, I wouldn’t focus on why and how because the damage is already done. Plus its hard figuring people out, that are like that.
My twin did the same to me. The bad part is that she knew what I went through with my mother stealing my identity. So, one would think she would never hurt me.
Even now she calls me for help with my neice or she may need something paid and I pay it for her because I realized that I am the helpful person. She doesn’t get over on me. I tried being nasty and telling my self I would never speak to her and my mother again but it takes to much energy. I feed them with a spoon from a very far distance. Besides I love my niece and want her to see how good lives…
Thanks so much for writing this. I found out not too long ago that my father used my SSN to obtain several credit cards without my knowledge. The result was a credit history marred by late payments, high balances, and over-limits.
I’ve had only ONE credit card my entire life and have tried hard to use it responsibly, paying it in off full and never missing a payment. So to discover one day that my father had racked up almost 15k in debt with 5 different credit cards under my name, it really hurt. I was and still feel a lot of anger, disappointment and betrayal.
I’ve been spending many nights searching for an answer to my problem and it doesn’t seem like there are too many out there. Creditors don’t seem very willing to help since they already have a name down for an obligator and turning in your own blood is never an easy option.
But thanks - to the original author and everyone who responded. I now have some better ideas as how I can go about this and know I am not alone in dealing in this kind of situation.
I would definitely sue as well. I can’t believe your own mother could even think about doing something like this…
I would not get a police report on a relative as close as your mother I dont know what circumstances would make her do that but there are financial pressures in raising kids.
I would have contacted the creditors fraud department to have it taken off your credit report. I believe most creditors will work with you they just want the money.
The creditor would have sent your mother an affidavet to sign that she will be responsible for the debt that she took out in your name. People look at parents as criminals when they do that because their kids are adults, but alot of kids are still mooching off the parents while getting their degree, and the parent doesnt get down on the to work, and get a degree, but there is a financial strain, and this happens.
Everyone makes mistakes, and we learn from them.
I guess I am another victim on the list. My mom stole my identity by opening up a phone line in my name. She then moved in with her new fiance and let the bill become a charge-off. I had no knowledge of this phone being in my name until I checked my credit report in January 2007. I was furious because I had been monitoring my credit for 10 months and manged to raise it by 90 points, but I was willing to let it go if she just gave me the measly $348.00. She told me, “I will pay you when I get my bonus in Feb”, “I will pay when I get my bonus in May”. She went to my sister’s wedding in April, which cost money. She got married in April, which cost money. I didn’t talk to her for about three weeks in July because I felt like she was playing me. I eventually told her it is not the money, it is the principle and we seemed to have an agreement that she was going to pay me. I went to visit her at the beginning of August and told her that I need my money by October 1st. She agreed. Her husband apparently knows nothing about this and had the audacity to purchase a new/used car while I was visiting in August. It is now October 15th and I am now weighing my options on what I should do because I have not recieved one cent. Throughout this time frame I have contacted the phone company several times and offered to pay it if they would take it off of my credit but they said it wasn’t possible for them to erase it. My mom “ALLEGEDLY” called them in July and told them the situation but it was still no use. I have not heard from her since mid-September and I think it is time to for me to take action because I won’t let anybody take advantage of me like that, mom or whoever else.
Can you give me the name of the lawyer that helped you. My boyfriends mother stole his credit. About 8 credut cards in his name when he was a child, now he is 17,000 in debt and hs nothing to show from that I can not find anyone to help us we just keep getting the run around please help!!!!!
I totally agree with what she did my dad did that to me with utility bills then i got pregnant and my baby and I can’t get heat and gas turned on. i’m in the process of suing him for my money (to be reimbursed). you know people say “that;s your family don’t do that” but id they were they wouldn’t do that to you. You can’t be too nice to some people especially family cause they are the ones most likely to hurt you.
I can’t believe I found this thread–I thought I was the only one in this situation. My mom was the best mother, I had a great childhood, and now as an adult I was contacted by 2 creditors (one even contacted my husband at work) because of late payments. My husband and I have worked hard for impeccable credit, and I about passed out when I recently learned that my mom has run up $41,000 in debt in my name. I’ve been crying for weeks and don’t know what to do. I almost wonder if there’s something else going on because this is so unlike her. Two cards had 34% APRs. I’ve transferred and moved things around but my credit rating has already suffered and I cannot make the monthly payments. Mostly I can’t understand how she did this–every time she took a cash advance, or made a purchase, she had to sign my name. What was she thinking. I don’t think I could report her to authorities or sue her. I guess I’m still in shock.
I’m really shocked to see how many is being scammed by their own family. I must agree with Paolo; this is really an American thing. My mom used to save money on an account in my name when I was young. While she was studying, she spent some of it, but even that she has paid back later! I can’t belive there are parents abusing their children like this and I hope every victim will make the person responsible pay! Don’t be foolish and let them abuse you.
If this had happened to me, I would’ve talked to her and expected her to pay it without a question. If she had refused, the next she would get would be a letter from my lawyer.
Hello I have somewhat of the same problem and my mom did this to me. Only thing is…..it is with a house instead of just credit cards, etc. It is so bad that it is in foreclosure. I am at my last resort……suing or pressing charges. How will I begin?? I am only 24 and am lost. She signed for this house in 2003 when I was overseas in the military. Now I can’t get anything…..credit cards, loans, nothing. I never lived in the house or signed any paperwork. What can I do?? Oh and there is also phone bills and utility bills in my name as well. I am so lost. I love my mom but this is something that I have to do or I will loose my intelligence job in the military.
I found out about a year ago that my mom had gotten ahold of one of my new checkbooks and was writing checks to herself, and signing my name…..I was devastated. Now I found out that she had a credit card in my name that got sent to two different collection agencies. She is paying them off, but my credit is ruined. What’s worse is she is keeping it all a secret from my dad. I threatened to tell him and she told me he would divorce her and it would be all my fault. Her parents, my grandparents, are the only ones who know and whenever I try to talk to them about it they take her side and yell at me. I am extremely depressed by this situation and the question of what to do. Do I tell my dad? Do I just try to get my credit score up? Do I call the police? It’s nice to know I am not the only one out there disappointed in my mother.